He was tall, with dark features, and ruggedly handsome. I felt my heart skip a beat every time he smiled or laughed. Every girl wanted him, but to my amazement, he wanted me. I had to contain my excitement when he approached me and asked me out. His confident demeanor and sweet charm were intoxicating. I was six. And even though my mother put an end to our little plans after class, who ever forgets the first person they liked? In light of Valentines Day, I was reminiscing through a few old memories. The more I thought about it, the more I thought about how many people get stuck on old memories. They want everything to stay the same as the past. They refuse to let go and move forward. They hold onto a misconception that people don’t change.
There are different forms of this. I’ve known girls who have multiple close guy friends, and wonder why they can never get a decent boyfriend. Then there are those with 5,000 facebook friends, but wonder why they don’t have close friends. There are also girls who waste years sitting around for a guy to finish a program/degree/boot camp etc. only to be met with a different man than who left. They then ignore that hes’s different, that he’s changed, and that he’s not the person they fell in love with. This isn’t a gender issue, guys and girls get themselves in the same situations. No matter, I would like to address these types, as it seems fitting for the date.
1) Girl with one to multiple guy friends: Now, I see lots of girls being friends with guys above and below their level. They know they will never have the one above their league, but they try anyways. This wrecks their self confidence, so they use the guy below their league to dote on them and make them feel better. It’s a constant see saw of giving to the guy above their level, and taking from the guy beneath their level. The top guy is stringing her along. She is stringing along the guy beneath her, and he is probably stringing someone else along…
Everyone knows when someone likes them and is trying to get with them. They know when they have no intention of getting with them, but just flirt a little to keep the person pining after them. This is cruel, and will kill your self esteem if you do it. If you admit it or not, and no matter what excuses you come up with, you know your putting the person in pain. This will mess with your head. You’ll start acting all powerful, when you really think your weak. You’ll act like everyone likes you, even though you think no one would like you if they got to know the real you. And you’ll act smarter than everyone else, when in fact, your miserable, don’t like the people trailing after you, and think your pretty worthless. How smart is that?
You’ll become an arrogant, cocky, know it all, that really has no self esteem, good relationships, or wisdom. So don’t do it. Sever (in a proper, respectful way) relationships with those you know you do not want to be with. Don’t defend, I know you know when you do it. And it’s not nice, it’s not helping, your not doing them any favors, it’s not fixing them, and it doesn’t matter what you went through together or how long you’ve known them. You need to end it.
Now, if your the one pining, it’s a bit more complicated. Gents, you can work and successfully win the heart of a girl who didn’t seem interested at first (Pitch Perfect). Or, you could be the guy who they are never going to be happy with (Scarlet Johansen in He’s Just Not That Into You). If the girl randomly comes onto you, starts flirting, and wants to hang out with little to no warning, and will kiss or touch you like it’s not a big deal, when you think it is, then she’s just playing with you. If you have slowly been building up their trust and your relationship is slowly getting stronger in a logical progression, then it could be legit. Oh, and kind of common sense, but if the girl seriously/strictly tells you she’s not interested, and not going to be, then just drop it.
Ladies, yours is simpler. Never follow/chase/pine after a guy. He’ll not only stop respecting/liking you, but you’ll never be able to have a decent relationship with another guy. You’ll always have this larger than life guy that inhibits you from liking anyone else. I mean really connecting with someone else. Even if they end up settling for you, (which happens a lot), you’ll never feel happy. You’ll always know you weren’t good enough, just a backup plan. Sometimes they will hang around because they have feelings for you. If you take a step back you’ll find out. They’ll either step up and be the man, or let you walk away. At least you won’t waste years trailing after them.
2) Lots of social media friends, but no real friends: This one’s easier. People can only be spread so thin. The more people your friends with, the more shallow the relationships. Building a strong relationship is a lot of work. When I find another girl I want to be friends with, there’s quite a few things I do. Of course people usually argue back saying ‘your over-analyzing things’, and ‘friendships should be natural’. Yes, you should have a natural connection with someone you want to be friends with. But you can get a lot out of a good friendship, and since there’s no such thing as a free lunch, it naturally requires effort and hard work.
The results are worth it. My friends will go ‘geez, I haven’t had a friendship like this since I was a little kid’. Which is good news, because that means they don’t have to know what your doing. One of the biggest things is don’t use tech in your relationships. I absolutely can not stress this enough. When your texting, you start talking about personal things way faster then when your in person. I mean unless you’ve been drinking. It’s all about the foundation. Don’t rush things. Don’t start drinking when your first hanging out, or you’ll get to know them too fast. Think of it this way, the faster you become friends, the faster your relationship will end.
Kids are probably different, but I wouldn’t doubt if they spend a lot of time together before they start telling each other personal things. So, don’t rush/force it, or you’ll invade each others personal space, and you naturally won’t feel comfortable with them. You can go as slow as hanging out once ever 3-6 months. At first it will be awkward, and slightly uncomfortable. But, you’ll start hangin g out more and more, and you’ll feel like you’ve known each other your whole lives, and you’ll be able to communicate and relate on a level that’s deep, stable, and comfortable. And then the relationship will be long lasting.
But, you can’t just do this with anyone. Sometimes you have to be single (friend wise) a while before you meet someone of good friend quality. It’s well worth the wait. Especially when you know she’s not going to steal your guy, stab you in the back, or be self absorbed when the two of you hang out. Added bonus of not using tech, you actually ‘catch up’ when you visit. When you don’t tell each other what your doing every second, you have new things to talk about. When you have some stable good girlfriends, guys become less crucial. So then you can actually have a decent relationship with one. This all goes for guys too. Good relationships take work, but are definitely worth it.
3) Time wasters: Too many girls wait around for guys to finish programs/degrees/camps/whatever. I could see this as a possibility if you have been married for a while. But, I knew teens/young 20’s who would wait years (during a very important time of their life) for their boyfriend/fiance/love interest to come back. But time and environments change people. Often, when they finally returned, they were no longer the person that left. They weren’t the person they fell for. I knew girls who stayed with guys they had grown completely incompatible with. They held onto relationships that should have ended way sooner.
They continued to view the person as an image from their memories. They wouldn’t see who they had become, only who they used to be. They wouldn’t adapt or change. It’s a dangerous situation to be in. And a heartbreaking one to watch. People will do the same thing with friendships. As their friend slowly changes, they refuse to see it. I’ve had to distance myself from people who refuse to see me any differently than when I was that six year old girl. It’s unhealthy and can hold you back. Don’t be friends with people who see you only as you once were. Whether you were better or worse in their memories, it will just mess you up.
There are people who could get away with murder because their group of peers refuse to see the negative traits they are exhibiting. They can only see them as the good kid they used to be. And, there are people who continue to think terrible things about themselves, because their peers knew them at a bad point in their lives. No one sees who they have become, so they themselves think they are bad, when they are actually a good hearted extraordinary individual.
If I went to the first guy I liked, (wherever he may be), and started treating him exactly the same as the version from my memories, it would not end well. Take some time to evaluate your relationships. Are you with them, or just a memory of them? Think ‘how would I see this person if I met them today?’. You might like them less, or you might love them more. Maybe some of the things they’ve done should be questioned, or some of the great things they’ve done should be acknowledged. Especially today, figure out who your really with, not just who you think your with. Learn, Grow, Live, Love.
Good Luck out there, and Happy Valentines Day.